With a heavy heart, here it is, the envelope.
It contains your key and the once-a-year form from the Social Security administration, and anything else I could find these last few days.
The fuller reality behind the reason for the semi-business like emails I sent, and not signing them ("love" or otherwise) was my being depressed over what I felt I needed to do. I had been thinking about it for some time, on and off for weeks and (at least in the back of my mind) to some extent, for months (since your May violent explosions and my being at hotel).
(The only thing that might have changed my mind was if I received an email from you indicating you had, very seriously, thought about those violent outbursts and how to really change things..but it's probably for the best that you didn't send such an email, I now think maybe in three or some many years, but not now, it's really not possible now (summer 2008) to change such longstanding behavior and dynamics that quickly...)
Here's what the draft letter for was going to say, just so you know I don't hate you in any way and what I was thinking. It's only a draft because the way things turned out I ended up not sending it to you, but even in draft skeletal form, I thought you should see it..
Dear ______ I've been thinking a lot about our relationship, ever since April and May, and even more so over the last month. As I mentioned, for "time away from each other to heal" I wanted to wait until you got a job, to avoid making it any more difficult or stressful upon you than necessary..and again I'm *very* happy for you for the fulltime job. I think and know you are a Good Person and a beautiful person. But after a lot of reflection, there is more to say. I think being "in a relationship" is not right for us, at least not at this time. I would like to be friends, and leave open the possibility for being more than friends in, say, 3 years, but I realize you will probably need some time away, not even being friends, but time away from one another, at least for a while, to deal with the transition..I do too. I'm writing this with much sadness; I'm not writing this in anger (much less with any "hate" towards you). But you must know how traumatic it was for me (it would have been very difficult for anyone, but even more so for someone with my childhood and pain from that) the repeated, recurring violent outbursts of yours. This is not an accusation, it is merely a statement about myself and that certain things are things I cannot handle having happen in my own personal relationship on a regular basis. There are others strong as stone to things like that (though they may not have the gentleness and other aspects of my personality that I think are important) but I cannot handle it. You and I are more similar than I, and perhaps you, had even realized, given our childhood and backgrounds and to revisit such pains regularly in one's own home recurringly is not healthy, even if one were working part time, much less when work itself is a stressful 60+ hours per week thing. So I am sad and have been taking so long to compose this, now that you have your job and your summer teaching is about to end, but will probably re-work this email several more times before I send it. [other comments on future and I'm not happy to write this but it's necessary and the right thing for both of us. I won't read any replies for at least 1 full week. Please don't react that way you would not want someone else to react towards you, stalking, violence, etc (mention I found out that PR has a youtube acct?). To please not harm herself or her property either..][Re: sending her her apartment key][HSM]